The last year of my life has been a very private rollercoaster ride that has led to amazing ups and downs, but in the previous 2.5 months, I feel like I have been drowning. Always so close to the surface of the water, yet unable to catch my footing so that I can finally take that breath of air I need so bad.
If you didn't know, I have a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work and have my licence practice restrictions lifted by the Alberta College of Social Work. I am not currently registered, so none of that is relevant at the moment but, the importance of this point is that I am a tenacious woman who usually stops at nothing to help anyone around her that needs help. I will sacrifice my own happiness over and over to better someone else's happiness or situation, and no one asks me to do it - it just happens naturally. I can't help it, and even if they asked, I would likely be unable to help myself from doing what was accepted.
I am an empath by nature and so profoundly feel everything around me. When the people around me are happy or sad - I feel like they do. When I love those people, I feel it even stronger. A friend told me the other day, "you don't feel too much - you just feel everything." I couldn't argue with that, but it made me realize the amount of stress and pressure I have been living under in the last almost 3 months that has been holding me just below the waves - just enough to allow a breath before the tide rushes over my face again. It is a weird sensation - living under the chaos of nearly drowning, but smiling and not letting anyone around me know about what was happening - perhaps as a social worker, it was just part of my training to accept the reality and go with it. You just pick up from the last change and start a new path towards success - because there is rarely a straight line out of any problem.
My friends were kind enough to lend me their ears and hearts, but what was discussed was always situational. Very few people get access to my very personal and private details of how things affect me intrinsically. I am sure a handful could read the stress in my body when they saw me - but I cloak it well, sometimes because I am not even aware of how bad things are in me - until the moment happens I can't breath.
The last two days, I have been living under the water's surface, suffocating under the waves, being held under by the pain I feel for someone very close to me. It is a pain I cannot help because as I learned in school - you can't make someone ready for change. Change comes from within and has to be done for the reasons that are important to them - no more, no less. The choices we make as adults are ours to live and learn the consequences of on our own. Sometimes we make fantastic decisions and ultimately reap the rewards of them. Sometimes we make bad decisions and ultimately walk our own line, usually regretting that fateful choice every step - but there is an end to every road, and eventually, the journey subsides.
What I know though is that the Peaceful Drowning I created in that image, was inspired by love, hope, and ultimately the reality of life. I loathe failure - because success can happen in so many ways, but sometimes - in life or work, we have to again make decisions that are hard and sometimes seemingly impossible to even comprehend making. The question is whether the Peaceful Drowning will ultimately succeed in stealing my last breath or if it will release itself so I can rise to the surface and begin treading water again.
GorgeousChaos Boudoir is the sister company of Suzanne Taylor Photography, which has been in operation since 2006 and has been my pride and joy over the years. What made my journey so fulfilling in the latter half of my time photographing just about everything under the sun, was my venture into Fine Art. A specialty of mine - what Suzanne Taylor Photography became known for was Child Fine Art, and it was always so much fun from conceptualization to planning, to execution to the final post-processing work, which allowed me to bring everything together to create the art that I wanted to make. It's not so much a genre that I actively market anymore, but my creative drive to make my own personal art is something that has not diminished and today was my opportunity to create something that I have needed to do for a while.
PO Box 21, Bentley, AB T0C0J0 403-550-9965